Showing Up

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Backstory...I used to be on TV. But I played a role. I didn't show up authentically right? This was for self protection and because of fear of being seen. You know? Seen.

I had a photo shoot this month. It filled me with kind of a sick feeling.

So I laid out the clothes and the shoes and the jewelry... because (cough cough Virgo) order brings me calm.

And I breathed the words:

Show up.
Be brave.

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The morning of the shoot, I sat in the dining room chair of my friend Lindsay who is a makeup artist. She graciously brought out a smudging stick and some crystals. I was nervous and uncomfortable - fidgeting and shallow breathing.

I see her tools all laid out.

I am terrified.

Will she be thinking to herself, “Wow…I’ve got A LOT of work to do here?” Or will she be thinking, “Wow - middle age skin is SO much different than young skin.”

The stories that we tell ourselves…and this is someone I KNOW. I know she isn’t thinking stuff like this. But still…the dragons circle. The dragons of doubt, fear, less-thans.

I hate them.

I have nervous pee syndrome. When I get nervous, I feel like I have to pee a zillion times…but I really don’t. I’m not sure, but I think I peed three times at Lindsay’s.

In the bathroom, there is the comfort of children’s stuff and of family. As I wash my hands I see this hanging to the right of her sink.

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I think to myself - this is here for me - right here, right now.

I chuckle to myself and look myself in the eye in the mirror,

“Hey good-looking. Here’s the thing. Everybody worries about stuff. Everybody worries about how they look. Everybody worries about being vulnerable. You aren’t alone. You got this.”

After she’s done, Lindsay give me a hug, “Don’t worry. You’ve got this.”

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My photographer’s name is Katie. I told her my fears and she said, “It will be great because we will make it so.”

It will be great because we will make it so.

Maybe she doesn’t even know that these are the words I told myself when we started.

It will be great because we will make it so.

Take your power back.

Stand in love, not fear.

Show up.

Be brave.

You got this.

Don’t be fake.

Look in the camera.

It will be ok.

You’re ok.

And it was.

And I did.

And it was ok.

And I showed up.

Click after click after click.

xo