Yesterday I went to the hospital.
For 2 weeks I noticed that the right side of my face had drooped.
At first I thought...aging.
But I confided yesterday in a friend who said, "get it checked NOW."
My partner called the nurse line and they said, "call 911 and get her to emergency NOW."
So we went.
I talked to the Divine on the way. Quietly in my mind. And what I felt most was FEAR with a capital F.
What of? Mostly the unknown.
I said to the Divine (and I meant it) that I'm really good and however this unfolds, it's all good. I'm good.
And it was/is true.
The fear dissipated in the face of my okay-ness.
What can I control? What is within my control? What is not? Where am I gripping and grasping for control? And why?
I certainly couldn't control the outcome. So why allow fear to disrupt my equanimity?
This is a practice. Seriously.
I didn't have a neurologic event. (Phew) I have a mild case of Bell's palsy affecting one of the five nerves of my right face.
We're testing for a couple of tick born illnesses.
I'm still processing this. But one thing I felt really clearly.
Fear of things we can't control wastes my damn time and saps me of life force. It pulls me out of the now and into the what ifs.
And the what ifs are not mine to fret about.